Today is my 34th birthday

A birthday I am truly blessed to see, as there was a time in my life, where this day, month, and season of the year that I wish I didn’t have to see, and remember.

Most of us truly look forward to this day; we plan meticulously around it, from the outfit, the hair, the vibe — every little detail. Some of us start planning the year before, or even years, especially if it’s a milestone year. 

For the last 10 years, on my birthday, the only thing I could think about is how fragile life is, and how honored I am to live it. 

A little-known, yet still unknown fact. My birthday is surrounded by some of my biggest battles in life, ones that literally required me to fight to keep my life; I lost my leg on March 21st, 1995, and then entered 9months of chemotherapy. I finished another set of chemo treatments for a different diagnosis on March 14th, 2016. And as you may have gathered, my birthday is March 24th.

So when I think of my birthday, I think of how blessed and truly lucky I feel to be here today, celebrating yet another year. But I also think of those whom I knew as a child, and those I met as an adult, who have navigated the same/similar journeys as me. Many of them who are not here today to celebrate and see another year. 

That weight, the guilt… survivor’s guilt, beat me up for years, if not decades. The idea that I was alive, while many children and young adults were not. I felt, “How can I be happy when their lives were lost?”

If you have been following my story for the past 10 years, then you know that it was annually when I’d fall into a deep depression, causing me to go into a hole for months. It was like clockwork. Starting in September, I would put my head down and take each day as it came…. And as March rolled around,ound I just held my breath, praying I could get through the month without having multiple emotional breakdowns. So at first, I didn’t really celebrate my birthday. I wanted to get through it. That’s all. And once April came, I felt I could breathe again. I honestly felt my life was not worth celebrating.

All of this changed a little before my 30th birthday. 

I didn’t fully understand why I was struggling so heavily for the majority of the year; I felt that I should have “gotten past’ that part. I really wanted my healing journey to be over, and I wanted to pretend as if none of those things ever happened to me, but they did, and I shouldn’t have been ashamed of them. On my dedications page, I share a story about recurring nightmares that I used to have as a child, and the revelation that came with it. A realization that didn’t happen until I was 29. 

That moment, and a few other adjacent moments, led me to an epiphany. As I was praying, in a deep meditative state, I found myself actively looking at my past and all that I have navigated. And this idea/thought came to my mind, “Your life is their life, and through you, their memory lives on, and so do they”. 

A moment that taught me that by celebrating my own life and survival, I am also celebrating the lives of those who are not with us today. I get to celebrate with the families who still mourn 30 years later. For the communities that are still healing after losing their own loved ones. 

That’s when I decided I’d no longer celebrate my birthday in a state of depression and shame.  Instead, I’d dedicate it to them and celebrate in both their honor and memory. This day, I would hold dearly the fellow children, families, men, and women of all ages who I have met, and who unfollowed due to a similar journey as my own. This realization not only made me see my own life differently, but it also allowed my own healing journey to actually begin.

So, for my 30th, I flew to Amsterdam, the first EU country I ever visited. On my 31st and 32nd birthdays, I spent them in Ghana, celebrating with my new community, and while they didn’t know the pain behind it, they still celebrated in communion. And if you recall, for my 33rd, I dedicated to celebrating by booking this lavish 5-day resort stay, in the honeymoon suite, and spent those days scuba diving and exploring one of the many islands in Thailand.

So it’s so funny when I think about this year, my 34th, and I tell myself, “Oh no… I didn’t plan how to celebrate this year”. Which is true — I didn’t, but it’s mainly because I spent all of my mental bandwidth preparing to travel to South Africa. And what’s funny is that this reminded me of WHY I decided to start my travels in March, and not earlier in the year, like I did last year… because THIS was my birthday present. THIS was how I was celebrating 10 years, celebrating 31 years, and celebrating my 34th birthday. Traveling across the African Continent and connecting with other members of my community, an opportunity to learn more about the culture I am from. — Did I leave that part out? ha. 

Yes, this is how I chose to celebrate, so while I have not “hard set” plants for today. Here is what I do know. 

It’s my birthday, and I have lives and reasons to celebrate. 

I stopped letting my survivor’s guilt be the reason why I couldn’t celebrate such impactful milestones. Instead, now I use them as fuel and my reasoning behind my celebrations. As long as there is air in my lungs, and my heart continues to beat. I will always celebrate this birthday, and all the birthdays in the future, in honor and memory of those who are no longer here, and the families who they left behind.

I celebrate with them, as they have never left me, and continue walking with me, through me they live. 

So today, we celebrate, and cheers to yet another wonderful year. 

Happy 34th Birthday to us all.